The five stages of recognizing our white privilege

9 min readOct 7, 2020

Hello, friend. Usually my writing and speaking is grounded in the concept of unconditional self-love. You know, the feel good stuff. Warm fuzzies and sparkle heart emojis. Today is a different journey—a challenging one, but I know you’re up for it. Thanks for being here.

I used to naively think that I built my career based on the doors that opened to me. An opportunity came up, the door opened and I walked through. In my ignorance I thought it was a series of neat flukes that I navigated. Would those same opportunities have been provided to a Black woman? No. That was my White privilege that opened those doors.

I’m new to this path of navigating my privilege. In order to continue loving who I am, I need to change, grow and evolve. However, this is not about me. It’s not the time for “omg it’s so traumatic to realize I’m part of a racist system” stories. Let’s get on with it.

I can show you to the trail but you’ll have to walk it yourself, and carry your own gear.

This is addressed to my White friends, especially those who would consider themselves connected, woke, conscious, and/or educated.

Stage One: Ignorance

I’m going to serve this up straight: we were born with an advantage. I’m not saying you didn’t work to get where you are in life. I’ve done a lot of work as well and this isn’t a competition. I’m not calling you lazy, heck no. I’m saying we can both do better.

How it can sound:

We’re one race, the human race.
Everyone is equal.

The above statements are false. If I told you that the sky was yellow, would you argue the point with me or would you step away to take a look for yourself first? I bet you’d be curious. What? A yellow sky? I need to look into this. How did it get to be yellow? Why? The yellow sky in this metaphor is our White privilege and you’ll want to go see for yourself how the colour of your skin has impacted your life.

There’s work to be done, to consciously shift your perspective and how you experience life.

How to move through this stage? Educate yourself. It’s the only way.

I found that this article by Teaching Tolerance is a great start. If you need a break, go read it now, but I expect to see you back here afterwards!

Stage Two: Disbelief

This is where we get uncomfortable. It’s next level awkward, because even having the option to remove or reduce the discomfort from your life — that’s White privilege. Sit with that for a bit.

How it can sound:

I’m not racist!
I don’t see colour.

Our reflex to bargain and debate the point is an indication of our white fragility. No, none of us asked to be born. However since we’re here, as conscious humans, it’s time to take accountability. Our very existence makes us part of a system that is designed to protect white wealth and comfort.

Realizing that your existence is part of a racist system doesn’t feel good. It’s where I started as well: “But I know Black people! But where I grew up was Black and White! It was my normal growing up! How can I be racist if I had Black friends as a child?”

I looked at my social feeds — predominantly White. I looked at my friend circle — no Black faces have carried through from childhood. I recalled that when I was a child, my dad would say the N word to get laughs and seem cool in front of my brothers’ friends. No — wait — my dad said the N word because he was openly racist. My explaining it away — “Dad was joking” is still me protecting my white comfort. I have a racist lineage. Shit.

Notice if you’re automatically coming up with rebuttals about your lack of racism. That’s denial / disbelief talking.

I’ve learned that “not racist” doesn’t exist. There are two states of being — racist or anti-racist. If we aren’t actively working to recognize and dismantle the system of white supremacy, then we are actively furthering the racist system.

Yikes. Stay with me. I said it would be challenging, and we’re just getting started.

How to move through this stage? Keep educating yourself. Follow, like, engage with, and share content from authors and influencers who are Black. Retrain the algorithm powering your social media. The AI won’t suggest Black and anti-racist content until you first interact and engage with said content.

Stage Three: Realization

Oh shit, right? Guilt. Shame. Don’t run from it! We have to go deep. Turn and f*cking face it. Wade through your White privilege. It’s everywhere. You’ve got this, and I’m still right here next to you. We need to get to realization. We HAVE to get to this stage. Now the real work can begin.

How it can sound:

I see and acknowledge my privilege.
I recognize that my privilege gave me an advantage from the beginning.
I feel so stupid, how did I not see this before?

Let’s go a step further on our realization. It isn’t that we didn’t see this before, it’s that we chose to not recognize it. If you’re telling me that you’ve been up on the news and haven’t “noticed” how frequent the stories of Black people being killed by the police are, that was your choice not to see it. I was making the same choice. George Floyd was murdered. I chose not to feel the pain of those who were murdered before him. I chose to continue my privilege of comfort. Gross.

I hate shame. I have been actively healing from the impact that guilt and shame have had on me, leftover conditioning from my upbringing in a christian fundamentalist society. I was familiar with shame as a control mechanism by the church to keep me in servitude and fear. Within the church, I could never be good enough.

Part of my healing process from that upbringing was to notice shame and guilt triggers and rise above them. Love and light! Choose happiness! However, my strategy to avoid shame was leading me down the road to white apathy — i.e., choosing not to feel things that are uncomfortable. However, feeling bad about things isn’t the point and it certainly isn’t enough. Keep moving through it.

Now that we’ve gotten this far, it’s time to break the news that this process is cyclical. We don’t progress through stages and phases of recognizing our privilege and get to okay. We are healing generations of pain. We are undoing a system based on racism while living by the rules of that same racist system.

Evolution takes time. There’s no time like the present to start your own anti-racist education.

Keep moving. Talk about it. The friends in my circle that have also recognized their privilege and can sit in the discomfort with me and discuss it — those friends are so dear to me.

Stage Four: F*cked up

What the ACTUAL. Grief, shame, guilt…. and anger. Anger for the injustices carried out on a macro and micro level every damn day. Anger at myself that I was blissfully blindfolded before. Yeah, we’re this mad, so consider what it’s like to be oppressed by the system. How does it feel for the people whose voices we’ve chosen to ignore because we don’t want to feel uncomfortable?

How it can sound:

I’m scared to speak out, I don’t want to say the wrong thing.
I’m so mad — at the system and at myself.

You may feel the need to share your experience of realizing your privilege, but we’re just going to pause on that for now. It’s as if you’re waking up, please don’t scream as soon as you’re awake, just take your time. It’s important to keep listening and learning and keep the particulars of your experience in private conversations. We have a tendency to draw the attention back to our white selves. Shhhh.

It doesn’t feel good to be silenced, does it?

https://www.instagram.com/rachel.cargle/

Ok, now imagine what it’s like to learn from a young age that the police are not there to serve and protect you. You’re scared of saying the wrong thing? How does it feel to not be able to trust the system that is there to serve and protect? Can we ever truly understand? I’ve been pulled over for speeding and was more concerned about the financial impact of a ticket than I was for my safety. Can we transmute our anger into empathy? That’s right. Take the time to FEEL what it feels like.

Fear doesn’t feel good does it? I am learning to push through fear of speaking up in all White environments to question the lack of diversity. Others have fear of losing their lives based on the colour of their skin. I hate the racist thoughts seeded in my brain. I can’t unconditionally love this side of myself, it needs to change. It’s f*cked up.

How to move through this stage: Keep educating yourself. Focus on building empathy. Be present to the anger and move through your fear of speaking up. Listen to Black voices, listen to their stories and what they want us to know.

Stage Five: Action

Our White privilege is like a currency we didn’t know we had. USE IT. Educate yourself and elevate the voices of Black, Indigenous and People of Colour. Buy from Black owned companies. Hire Black people. No platform is too small.

I love the way that Kenidra Woods puts it in this video:

You have privilege. Acknowledge it — the most important thing is to acknowledge it and…come up with a way to use that and turn it into something. Channel it into something positive and amplify Black voices.

Avoid reaching out to Black people to express your recently acquired White guilt. It’s not their job to absolve White people of their guilt.

Donate to causes. There are many to choose from. Diversify your book collection and your social media feeds. I’ve included many links below and would love more suggestions in the comments.

How it can show up:

I see that race is a social construct.
I’m having difficult conversations with friends and family about racism.
I’m calling out racist attitudes and content when it comes up in my circle.

Keep going! Speak up in conversations and point out racist points of view. Move through your fear of discomfort. This isn’t about us feeling good. Don’t fall into the white saviour complex. We have generations of work to do, so let’s get moving. See you on the trail.

The five stages of recognizing our white privilege

Stage One: Ignorance

Stage Two: Disbelief

Stage Three: Realization

Stage Four: F*cked up

Stage Five: Action

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Written by Jessica Evans